Over the past few weeks since I’ve stopped food journaling and started writing about what I want, I’ve gotten a lot of very touching emails and comments.
One, in particular, kind of broke my heart. It was from someone I’ve known for a long time and it was about depression.
The thing is, I started this blog as a way to fight a long-term depression that I honestly thought I’d never escape.
Now, I’d like to share that story. It may mean nothing to most of you, but I think it will mean a lot to a few of you.
Bare with me, this may take awhile and I plan to do it in a series of posts. I plan to look through some old pictures and scan them in to supplement the story, but for now all I’ve got is words.
This is a sad story, but one with a happy ending and I truly believe that anyone struggling with depression can survive it.
I share this only because I want to help anyone out there who may be having a difficult time, this is absolutely not a cry for sympathy. Everything happens for a reason and I’m a better person because of each moment I will describe here.
I grew up in a very unhappy home.
From the outside, it was the model of middle-class perfection. I had two married parents, a nice house, a pool in the back yard, a cute dog and three cats.
The town in which my seemingly perfect house resided was microscopic: one stop light, one school, no Wal-Mart, no McDonald’s. I spent my entire K-12 years with the exact same people, give or take a few.
My Dad owns a prominent business within the town, which gave us a certain amount of notoriety, mostly unwanted.
The first day of one of my classes an asshole teacher asked me how much my Dad intended to pay him for my A.
Things like that happened all the time.
People were cruel to me because they thought my family was perfect.
If they only could have known the truth, maybe that would have been different.
My reality was about as far from glamorous as you can get. Yes, my house was filled with nice things, but along side them there was a lot of pain.
I found out a very young age that my mom and dad had married out of convenience and not for love. They were never a happy couple, and the lack of love between them created a gaping void within the household.
As a result, my mom struggled and my dad was not present. Even when he was there, he wasn’t someone I knew.
I spent my days avoiding the traumatic events that were sure to happen. Fights between my mother and I, fights between my father and mother or just deep and agonizing silences that were far worse that the first two options.
Most nights I was up until two or three in the morning engaged in screaming matches with my mom, until I had cried so hard I couldn’t function anymore.
The fights were about nothing… and everything. She was not happy, and she needed someone on which to project her sadness and anger.
I felt like every move I could possibly make would only lead to more fighting. It was very difficult.
In the morning, she would sober up and apologize and I’d try to tell myself that everything was okay – that I was just a normal kid. I loved her more than anything and always instantly forgave her, no matter what had been said the night before.
Holidays were the worst. Both of my mother’s parents were deceased and the overwhelming sadness she must have felt with each Christmas she had to celebrate without them descended upon the house like a dark cloud.
The fighting escalated, my dad came home less and less to avoid the toxic nature of our house.
I’d go to school each day and never tell a soul about what my life really looked like inside the pretty house. Not even my closest friends or my youth minister, who provided me with endless guidance. Telling just wasn’t an option.
After all, it’s not like anyone was hitting me. Both of my parents were alive, and even though they hated each other they were still married. There was always food on the table and I was always warm.
What did I have to complain about?
So I kept quiet as the once vibrant, outgoing and happy girl I used to be slowly died away and was replaced with an empty shell. I never would have classified it as depression, but I know now that those years are where it all began.
I only wish I could have recognized it sooner… because it was about to get a lot worse.
I’m so sorry that this all happened to you! :*( Your story sounds quite a lot like me, even to the detail of dad owning a prominent business in town and the unwanted notoriety that comes with it. I’m looking forward to read the happy ending!
My parents are divorced–they never fought, but the silence was horrible. There was so much tension. I understand that part of it.
I’m so sorry, I can completely understand the unhappy parents part of this, and my dad was an alcoholic. My sister and I used to beg my mom to divorce him. Looking forward to reading more.
My heart goes out to you. Kudos to you for having the courage to share this, as I believe a lot of people go through these sorts of things and feel like they are alone. I endured some tough stuff as a child but it helped shape who I am today. Still, I can point to those moments and know that is where my anxiety issues stem from.
Thank you so much for sharing your past. I am so terribly sorry that you had to go through this. I honestly cannot begin to imagine. My parents are still together and I grew up in a happy home. My heart breaks for you as I read this. I just want to give you a hug!! I can sort of relate to the alcoholism part as my Mother IN
Law is a recovering alcoholic. She has been sober for a year and a half. She pretty much hit rock bottem several months before our wedding. Not that us getting married had anything to do with it, but we had to “deal” with her and the disease throughout our engagement and the beginning of our marriage. Thus, I have been struggling with anxiety since.
Again, thank you for sharing your story and I look forward to reading the rest.
HUGS. I look forward to your happy ending as well. I also quit food blogging. It was jacking w/ my head to much. Anyhoo, my parents divorced after years of unhappy marriage (my mom was 16 when they got married), 5 kids . . . my father was a prominent guy in the Vietnamese circle. It was not easy. Anyhoo, you are a tough cookie.
Thanks for being willing to share this. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, but I’m glad it all has a happy ending.
I’m sorry for what you went through, it must have been so difficult. I admire you so much for sharing your story. I’m going to stick around for the rest of it.
Thanks for sharing this because I think you’ll understand how it feels to think you’re alone in going through it… i had a father who was a hospital ceo and a stay a home mom and me the only child… looked perfect, but my mom has battled severe mental illness for years and my dad bottled up his emotions and stress and i suspect beat himself up over a lot of things that went on…
thank you for having the courage to begin opening up and i look forward to reading how you have made your way because being on the same journey and reading your blog i find you have conquered things i have not…
Thank you for having the courage to share this! I know how hard it is to finally tell all… While my experiences were not with my parents, I was in a relationship with an emotionally abusive alcoholic for 10 years, and married to him for 2.5. I know what you mean when you say you are up all night fighting, and then they apologize in the morning and you pretend everything is normal…..
*hugs*
i think it takes a lot of courage to put your story out there, i also think it will help a lot of people who read it. so big time props to you! i will be reading each and every word.
(( hugs ))
thank you for sharing – it takes some oomph to talk about it, and it will most likely help you as much as it will help others.
So happy to read this! I was planning on doing the same thing soon, don’t even know where to start! Battling depression is definitely an ongoing journey!
It takes a lot of strength to share something so personal. I really commend you for starting this story here. I know there are many readers who will benefit from hearing your words about your experience – and how you overcame all of this.
Hugs going your way.
Depression sucks, and you can only really understand what it feels like when you’ve been through it. I’ve been there for many, many years, and within the last 2 have started to come out on the other side.
I hate that you’ve gone through this, but I’m inspired that you’re writing your story. Even if it helps one person recognize that life is worth living, and that you can come out on the other side of depression, it’ll be worth it.
~Les
You are so incredibly brave to share this story – and it shows how far you have come that you can now tell so many people about what your life was like. I’m so sorry that you had to survive this, but I’m looking forward to hearing how you overcame it and turned into the person you are today!
You’ve got my back, and I’ve got yours. xoxo
This breaks my heart
Thank you for sharing with us, as I cannot imagine how hard it must have been to type those words. *Hugs*.
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Aw girl how brave of you to put that out there. Glad you realize how much of a suuport system you have in us readers though! So sorry you had to go through all that!
Thank you for sharing- it takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there on your blog and I hope that your story will help any readers you have that are going through similar problems. It’s nice to know you’re not the only one out there!
I’m so glad you’re sharing your story – it really is brave to talk about this. My parents divorced when I was 9 and I rarely, if ever, discuss it. Thanks for sharing.
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