As my parents’ 30-year relationship reached it’s final end, I was starting a new one with my first real love.
Love is a natural painkiller and I needed extra strength. The first few weeks with Kyle were just that and seemed to erase my troubles.
When I met his family, I was in awe. I looked around at this group of people and couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
They expressed their love for each other verbally, talked to each other openly and laughed together as a family. No one was drunk, everyone was there and they all seemed genuinely happy to be around each other.
I had never seen such a thing and I immediately wanted was to be a part of it.
I thought that if I could only find my way into a normal family, I would become normal myself as a result. Basically, I was saying to Kyle, “Here I am. Fix me.”
Slightly hypocritical right?
I focused all my energy on my relationship. I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend who could fit in with her boyfriend’s perfect family.
It was a slippery slope of trying to pretend I was someone I wasn’t, while slowly revealing pieces of myself and waiting for him to leave. Surely he couldn’t really love someone as messed up as me.
Eventually, despite all my efforts to avoid it, he had to meet my family.
My Mom was taking the divorce and the change in her lifestyle extremely hard and was worse than ever.
She had already expressed her resentment toward me for ending things with my high school boyfriend (she was very close to him), by telling me that because I broke his heart no one would ever love me again. Deep down, I think I thought she was right.
Of course, she immediately took a strong dislike to Kyle. Everytime we were around her, the tension was palpable.
I thought she was angry because I was happy and she wasn’t. She thought I was dating him just to get back at her. It was a mess.
Our happy little bubble burst immediately and Kyle finally begin to see what an emotional wreck I was. We started to fight all the time.
He couldn’t understand how my mom could treat me like that. I couldn’t understand how his family was so perfect. The family I had once envied became something I resented him for. It was unfair that he had so much and I had so little.
I leaned on him way more than was fair, and the pressure eventually broke us.
We broke up twice before it was really over, and the second time he looked me in the eyes and said “I can’t deal with your mother and how emotional she makes you.”
I was furious. I hated him for abandoning me when I clearly needed someone – some kind of support system.
I realize now that I had put Kyle in an impossible position. It was not his job to make me happy, but I was too wrapped up in everything to see that.
Now not only was a miserable, I was heartbroken with no one to turn to.
Since I had nowhere to turn, I decided to head down a little path called self destruction, which resulted in me not only disliking my family situation, but disliking myself as well.
I became numb, and the shock that life wasn’t as perfect as I thought it should be slowly faded away.
I believed that life just sucked in general and that it was never going to get any better and also that it surely couldn’t get any worse.
I kept right on feeling that way until the morning I got a hysterical call from my brother.
My mom was in the hospital.
*** Note: Names have been changed. Also, we’re about halfway through. I promise the happy part is coming 
I can totally relate on leaning on someone and waiting for them to take you away from a situation you hate. That’s how I was with my ex, I finally learned that I can only depend on myself to change my situation for the better.
As much as it breaks my heart that this is a true story, YOUR story, I am constantly wanting more. You are an excellect writer my friend. Have you considered writing a book?
Ps. I missed seeing you at body pump last night. I wanted to give you a hug!
It’s so easy to lean on someone else in times of hardship; I don’t think less of you because of it. I have certainly done the same. Again, as I’ve said in your other posts, thank you for sharing this. So many people need to read this story. It’s impactful, and tragically beautifully written. I want you to know that I am going to share something on my blog very soon related to my personal life, and you gave me the courage to write it. Thank you.
Agree w/ Amy. You are a great writer. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this.
yeah you ARE an awesome writer! marshall’s mom was mad at him when he ditched another girl for me. she had a weirdly close relationship with this girl, my family was (is) the way you explained kyle’s family to be, and i think it threatened his mom. but we got through it (luckily, since we are married!)
cant wait to hear more..
You have no idea how much we have in common. Hugs. I love you.
I’ve been reading silently and just want to say that I appreciate you sharing this.
Wow, this is very similar to my life about 8 years ago..thank you for sharing that we are not all alone!
I can so see how this would happen – the you and Kyle thing makes so much sense now but i’m sure then it just broke you. Poor thing. Thanks for sharing – looking forward to reading more and of course to the happy part. ):
I’ve been following these posts and I just have to say you are SO STRONG for sharing this. I’m glad you did. Not only does it show what an eloquent writer you are, but I feel so much closer to you. I believe that every person goes through a HUGE struggle in their lives at some point and it is that struggle that shapes them as a person. I know you are a wonderful, compassionate, and caring person, so while this my be a difficult and painful story it has a beautiful ending: you.
So well written, girl. I’d love to say that I don’t know what it feels like to depend on someone too much emotionally and expect them to make you happy, but that would be a big fat lie. Oh, how many of us have done this…I’m sure the number is staggering. Again, thanks for sharing.
Leaving us on a (freaking wonderfully well written) cliff again – thank you!
Oh I know what its like to expect a boy to fix you. Its a really difficult situation for all involved.
I’m sorry that this is a true story, but I think you are amazing for sharing it. The way you write makes it so easy to understand and so easy to relate to. I think a lot of people are going to learn and benefit from your story. I know am
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