As my parents’ 30-year relationship reached it’s final end, I was starting a new one with my first real love.
Love is a natural painkiller and I needed extra strength. The first few weeks with Kyle were just that and seemed to erase my troubles.
When I met his family, I was in awe. I looked around at this group of people and couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
They expressed their love for each other verbally, talked to each other openly and laughed together as a family. No one was drunk, everyone was there and they all seemed genuinely happy to be around each other.
I had never seen such a thing and I immediately wanted was to be a part of it.
I thought that if I could only find my way into a normal family, I would become normal myself as a result. Basically, I was saying to Kyle, “Here I am. Fix me.”
Slightly hypocritical right?
I focused all my energy on my relationship. I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend who could fit in with her boyfriend’s perfect family.
It was a slippery slope of trying to pretend I was someone I wasn’t, while slowly revealing pieces of myself and waiting for him to leave. Surely he couldn’t really love someone as messed up as me.
Eventually, despite all my efforts to avoid it, he had to meet my family.
My Mom was taking the divorce and the change in her lifestyle extremely hard and was worse than ever.
She had already expressed her resentment toward me for ending things with my high school boyfriend (she was very close to him), by telling me that because I broke his heart no one would ever love me again. Deep down, I think I thought she was right.
Of course, she immediately took a strong dislike to Kyle. Everytime we were around her, the tension was palpable.
I thought she was angry because I was happy and she wasn’t. She thought I was dating him just to get back at her. It was a mess.
Our happy little bubble burst immediately and Kyle finally begin to see what an emotional wreck I was. We started to fight all the time.
He couldn’t understand how my mom could treat me like that. I couldn’t understand how his family was so perfect. The family I had once envied became something I resented him for. It was unfair that he had so much and I had so little.
I leaned on him way more than was fair, and the pressure eventually broke us.
We broke up twice before it was really over, and the second time he looked me in the eyes and said “I can’t deal with your mother and how emotional she makes you.”
I was furious. I hated him for abandoning me when I clearly needed someone – some kind of support system.
I realize now that I had put Kyle in an impossible position. It was not his job to make me happy, but I was too wrapped up in everything to see that.
Now not only was a miserable, I was heartbroken with no one to turn to.
Since I had nowhere to turn, I decided to head down a little path called self destruction, which resulted in me not only disliking my family situation, but disliking myself as well.
I became numb, and the shock that life wasn’t as perfect as I thought it should be slowly faded away.
I believed that life just sucked in general and that it was never going to get any better and also that it surely couldn’t get any worse.
I kept right on feeling that way until the morning I got a hysterical call from my brother.
My mom was in the hospital.
*** Note: Names have been changed. Also, we’re about halfway through. I promise the happy part is coming