At 25, I’d like to have things a bit more figured out.
It’s not that I necessarily thought I’d have them figured out as I don’t set age goals for myself (married by this age, kids by that age – none of that) I just feel like I should be a little bit more stable in life right now than I am.
Sure, I wake up in the morning and do adult stuff all day – but I’m still broke, unable to foster real romantic relationships for any length of time and each day I increase in awkwardness.
I notice this the most when I’m around my family.
I love my family more anything in the whole wide world, obviously, and I want them to not only be proud of me – but to feel like they can stop worrying about me and depend on me to have my own things figured out.
I know they’d like me to get married and pop out grandkids, but since they and I both know that’s not going to happen anytime soon I think they’d at least like me to be more… settled.
I try not to compare myself to my siblings, but it seems kind of like I’m the lost soul of the bunch. (Only one of those is my real sibling, but we’re considered “the kids” now.)
I want to be able to pick up the check at dinner instead of being the charity case sent home with all the leftovers and half a bottle of wine.
I want to be able to buy my parents things and call with great news about my successes.
My brother can do those things, and though I know it’s not right or productive to compare, I still feel like I need to step it up.
I made the choice to move to D.C. and I’m proud and excited to see that become a reality, but things are not going smoothly.
My bosses are stalling. I don’t know if I’ll get to go on my intended schedule. I have a project that’s about to make me crumble.
These things are all prime examples of how I do not have it all together.
I try to put on a good front, but the truth is pretty apparent because I have a hard time hiding my emotions from my family.
Last night, I was beating myself up about all these things. I felt stupid, small and embarrassed.
But in the light of day I have to realize that no matter how awkward, strange or unsettled I might be - my family has been there for me every step of the way until now and they’re not going anywhere.
The thing about family is that they have to love your bad parts. If you can’t let them see the things that are plaguing you – who do you have?
I’m going to try to stop comparing and worrying about and aiming to be the daughter, sister and grandaughter I think I should be and just focus on taking my life at face value and making the small changes I can in the time that I’ve got.
Someday, I’ll figure it out. Whatever it is.