Life as of late has been dandy, as I’ve stated many times.
I’m happy.
I know moving here was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.
I’m on the adventure of a lifetime.
But that doesn’t mean everything is perfect. Far from it. You know homie don’t play that.
There are a lot of things going on behind the scenes, deep down in my worrisome little brain that I haven’t really let myself fully digest until this week.
I worry about money every second of every day. Living here is expensive and if something perilous happened right now and I needed a lot of money fast, I’d be screwed.
I worry about my mom every day. I’m the person she’s always been the closest too and I worry that my leaving will cause problems for her.
I feel guilty that I love my life so much, while she is so unhappy and sick.
I don’t sleep. I’ve always had this problem, but it’s even worse now.
I feel pressure here to be perfect – thin and successful. I know it’s a stupid and worthless emotion, but it’s there.
I worry about not being around if something happens to my grandparents. Or, if I’m truly honest with myself, when something happens to them. My grandpa has been sick for a long time, and me leaving broke his heart a little bit. Knowing that breaks mine too.
Most of all, I’m terrified that the other shoe is going to drop, and this happy time of my life will disappear in the blink of an eye.
All these things are tiny. The majority of my attention and focus is on the carefree 99% of my life that I love and am so grateful for, but that 1% persists.
I’m not the best at being happy. All my life I’ve had a cloud of melancholy following me around, whether it was family troubles or heartbreak or bad decisions – I always felt burdened by one thing or another. I guess I’m just having a hard time letting go of that darkness to fully embrace the light.
I’ll get better at it.
Sorry for the serious post. They happen from time to time on this blog. Tomorrow will be more puppies and rainbows, promise.
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From one worry wart to another… I totally understand you. I have always been scared to be too happy because I feel like my life can’t be this great. My grandma used to tell me “don’t worry about things until they happen.” I rarely could listen to that, but I guess it is true!
That really is good advice. I try very hard to work on worrying less, and I have made progress, but it’s a constant battle.
I am a worrier too! And when times are really good, its definitely tough for me to just embrace it. I tend to worry about when its not going to be so happy or I will have another dark cloud over me too. Having kids has really changed me too…I now worry about them all.of.the.time. I feel a lot of guilt because I have to work full time so if I do anything for me its when they are asleep. I am really trying hard to stop that worrying because it doesn’t get me anywhere so when I get a negative thought or start worrying, I try to think of all the blessings in my life and that helps me. My hubby read a book about worrying before and he said that if there is one particular thing that you are worrying about think about the worst possible outcome and then accept it.
You don’t have to apologize for a real post on how you are feeling. That is one of the million things I love about your blog, you are real. Its hard for me to read blogs that are always happy, they obviously aren’t sharing what is really going on in their life.
You’re allowed to be serious…it’s your life.
I know what you mean about guilt for loving life while other’s can’t – I’ve experienced that a lot, too. I know it’s a worthless emotion, but sometimes you can’t control that kind of feeling.
Argh I am SO happy for you girl! An amazing person like you deserves this. I know the move and everything leading up to it was totally stressful, but it sounds like it’s totally paid off! Relish it. I know it’s hard to think you deserve this, but YOU DO. Remember that feelings of guilt imply that we aren’t worthy of things, and you are certainly worthy of the good things in your life right now.
Isn’t it awful how happiness brings so much anxiety? Ugh.
I am such a worrier. I rarely let myself feel completely happy because I think then something bad just has to happen. I’ve always been this way and I am always working on letting go of the worry, but it’s much easier said than done. What helps me the most is when I think “What is worrying going to do. Nothing.” Hope that helps…
Sometimes it just helps to realize it’s better to not worry about things you can’t control. Shit may or may not happen, but you can’t worry about what might happen because you’ll end up missing out on good things that are happening.
It’s natural to worry or feel guilty. I often feel that way myself. You need to take in each moment and live for today. Enjoy yourself because your family knows that you love and care about them. Things will be okay.
I agree with everyone else. Enjoy the good things while they happen and don’t worry about possible bad things when they haven’t happened or might not ever happen.
first of all – I’m so happy that you’re happy!
and from one big worrier to another, I get it. I worry about the little things that I shouldn’t even be thinking about unless they actually happen. it’s just habit, I guess.
What a wonderful raw post. I think everyone goes through this kind of funk in their 20s and I feel the same way. I worry constantly about everything, even things i shouldnt worry about. I moved here away from my family and it’s so hard, even though they’re “only” a 7 hour drive away, its still so far to know what’s really going on unless i am physically there. i feel left out and miss them terribly. But at the same time i’m so much happier here, it’s a constant back and forth battle in my head. And DC definitely gives that extra pressure of being successful and competiting with all the thousands of other 20 somethings trying to make it, and the pressure is on! Don’t worry, you are definitely not alone!
Thanks so much! It’s always good to hear that people can relate.
I hesitated about posting a comment, as I read lot’s of blogs such as this, but never have been one to comment. This post really hit home to me in so many different ways and I couldn’t pass up the chance! When you said you are not the best at being happy, I couldn’t think of a better way to say it for myself. I recently got a new job as well, left a company where I started 6 years ago a week after graduating.I pretty much “grew up there” and was completely comfortable, yet stagnet in my role and just getting more miserable each day. This has been a huge change for me, but for once I am happy… really happy. Yet I still get this feeling in my stomach of being unsettled. I am still realing from a horrible breakup that left me feeling pretty worthless. So even though I should be on top of the world and really be thanking him since I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for a year longer because I was scared… I still let that hold me back from my true happiness. So crazy how something like that can effect EVERYTHING going on in your life. Then again I feel like I am the type of person, I could have everything I wanted and still find something to worry about. It’s a day to day thing… each day getting a little bit easier for me to embrace my true happiness. I know it doesn’t happen overnight, but I know as cliche as it is everything always does work out for the best!
I freaked out about random stuff like that when I moved. But it’s one of those things- just gotta roll with the punches. Because, inevitably, there are things that are out of your control.
I hate that my parents are not more accessible than an 8-hour drive, but at the same time, they want me to be happy and know how it was the right choice for me to come to Chicago. I’m sure your mom is happier knowing that you’re doing so well in DC than if you were still somewhat miserable back in OK.
I imagine I will worry about the same kind of things when I move someday (hopefully to Colorado). However, it’s the course of life, ya know?
I think its important just to put these things out there. It helps.
Its totally natural to worry about all of these things. Especially about your family, it just means you care. But as long as you dont let it overtake the happiness, you’ll be fine.
That’s understandable friend. We are all human. We all have anxieties. You’re already taking a good step by facing them. I understand the problem with your grandparents though. Like some of theo ther girls said, I’m sure everyone is happy for you now.They all love you.
I hear you – but I always tell myself that I’m lucky that I’m able to worry about those types of things – instead of horrible things that are really happening, you know? Like because I’m pretty much healthy – and so is my family right now – I’m able to worry about my job. Also, I find that lack of sleep always just intensifies my worrying!
I think about a lot of these things, too. I worry about money (even though I save my $ to the point of being miserly), I worry about not being there enough for my family (even though I make an effort to see them every single week), I worry about not sleeping when I wake up in the middle of the night (even though that compounds the issue), but I try to remember that my dad always says “90% of the things that you worry about never happen, so stop worrying”. He’s right!
I need to get that tattooed on my upper lip or something
And how I can soooooo relate to this post!
looking over their shoulder. I felt horrendous guilt that they had to experience this,,,
I love your honesty and grounded attitude about life. I also loathe people who live in La La land, not identifying their fears, problems etc. I just can’t go there!
Ok.. this is kinda personal and maybe more than I should share but I feel the need to give you this perspective. I’m thinking about the guilt you have felt about “leaving” your mom. I’m probably your mom’s age so I’m Auntie Carol, here…
I have had an chronic autoiimmune disease/ illness for about 8 yrs now, which has eventually lead to my disability. Prior to that I was a VERY active person working OT and such as an RN. This stopped abruptly and it has affected my kids…There is no way around this because we are family and love each other. I have been unable to work for about 3 yrs now… bummer, but that is just how it is..
In the last year my two oldest have moved to California. During our heart to heart conversations I/we found that the boys felt that they sort of needed to stay around and be there for me. I wasn’t totally aware of this at the time. There were times where they were way too aware of my struggle, tears etc.
My daughter lives here in Indiana but chose to stay in the college town to work and go to summer school.
I MISS them horribly but it is actually best for them and for me! Why is this? They need and DESERVE to live their lives without my sick self
They love me and I sooooo know this but this is my journey and I have to deal. It isn’t fair for an adult to burden their children with their “stuff”. Not to say that we all don’t care about each other passionately. It is all about boundaries.
They have their own paths that they must follow without always having to worry about me. Being here in the same town made it even more “in their face”. We talk, text, email etc but this is just enough distance to be healthy.
I’m writing this in support of you with hopes that you can move past that guilt you feel about your family…who I’m certain, misses you so very much.
In many ways I am just so relieved that my kids are following their paths and living their lives. It is ultimately less stress on us all.
Sending hugs your way!
Wow, Carol. Thank you so much. I truly hope they feel that way. My family doesn’t communicate very well, but we’re working on it. Thanks for your supportive responses. You’re such a sweet person!
Thanks for sharing your insight on this topic. It’s great to hear that you are so happy right now, but have plenty of fears and worries as well…. because I think it’s pretty normal. I am a HUGE worrier and sometimes (most of the time) I drive myself crazy….but for me.. i think it’s just the age (26) and how there is so much unknown going on in my life, but hey that’s life! Anyway, really enjoyed reading this post and the comments.
I worry about a lot of the same things. Keep in mind that your mother wants you to be happy and I’m sure your happiness raises her spirits and makes her just as happy. Try not to worry
I can only take puppies in very small doses. I like that you are real. And everyone can relate to this post, me included.
I’ve been worried and stressed too, Money stressed me out. My internship, even though I love it, stresses me out because I worry I’m not doing a good job.
But 97% of the things we worry about never really happen. And the 3% that does, it’s out of our control, but when the time comes, we’ll learn to deal with it and move on.
(hugs)
i love what jessica said (well what her grandmother said) dont worry about things until they happen. In my life right now there are some HUGE changes happening, from finding a new job, new apt, newly single…i broke down the other week because everything is such a whirlwind and i feel so many emotions…just know that you deserve to be happy. EMBRACE IT. you deserve it and let life take its course. If we worry too much we’ll miss out on life! thats what I tell myself. Everything will work out. xo
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I am glad to hear that you are happy … but sorry to hear, that like me, you worry too much. I am a big worrier, and I know it is not healthy for me.
it’s so hard sometimes to enjoy life but always have that nagging feeling like something is going to happen, that something MUST happen since you are happy. i have always struggled with that too, but like my mom says, “don’t worry about what you can’t control.” i literally i have to tell this to myself multiple times a day. i don’t know if that helps, but i love you! me loving you helps, right?