Life as of late has been dandy, as I’ve stated many times.
I know moving here was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.
I’m on the adventure of a lifetime.
But that doesn’t mean everything is perfect. Far from it. You know homie don’t play that.
There are a lot of things going on behind the scenes, deep down in my worrisome little brain that I haven’t really let myself fully digest until this week.
I worry about money every second of every day. Living here is expensive and if something perilous happened right now and I needed a lot of money fast, I’d be screwed.
I worry about my mom every day. I’m the person she’s always been the closest too and I worry that my leaving will cause problems for her.
I feel guilty that I love my life so much, while she is so unhappy and sick.
I don’t sleep. I’ve always had this problem, but it’s even worse now.
I feel pressure here to be perfect – thin and successful. I know it’s a stupid and worthless emotion, but it’s there.
I worry about not being around if something happens to my grandparents. Or, if I’m truly honest with myself, when something happens to them. My grandpa has been sick for a long time, and me leaving broke his heart a little bit. Knowing that breaks mine too.
Most of all, I’m terrified that the other shoe is going to drop, and this happy time of my life will disappear in the blink of an eye.
All these things are tiny. The majority of my attention and focus is on the carefree 99% of my life that I love and am so grateful for, but that 1% persists.
I’m not the best at being happy. All my life I’ve had a cloud of melancholy following me around, whether it was family troubles or heartbreak or bad decisions – I always felt burdened by one thing or another. I guess I’m just having a hard time letting go of that darkness to fully embrace the light.
I’ll get better at it.
Sorry for the serious post. They happen from time to time on this blog. Tomorrow will be more puppies and rainbows, promise.