So, Christmas is approaching.
And I have a boyfriend.
And his birthday is on Christmas Eve.
Therefore, the inevitable Christmas/Birthday gift giving anxiety has started.
In my last relationship, I instituted a strict no gift giving policy.
I just think it muddies the waters in relationships.
It starts out innocently enough. You get him a new Ping driver, he gets you some sort of diamond necklace you would really never buy for yourself but that you wear anyways because it’s from your boyfriend and it’s a sweet gesture.
Then, the next gift giving occasion happens. And you can’t undergift your last gift. So you have to buy him a full set of Callaway irons, and he buys you diamond earrings.
And it just keeps going. Next it’s a pony. Then a car. Then a spaceship, because how can you really outbuy a car? Then you have to buy them Mars because you have to have somewhere to drive your spaceship. And next thing you know you’re building a spacehouse on Mars so you’ll have somewhere to stay while your there.
Where does it end?
However, said last relationship with the no gift giving policy ended about two weeks after Christmas.
So… maybe my policy wasn’t as genius as I thought.
Not that not giving each other gifts had anything to do with the fact that he was crazy, but still, I’m open to suggestions.
I broached the subject with Mr. T last night, and it seems we have a similar lack of experience in the couples’ gift giving arena.
When I do give gifts (and despite everything I’ve said here, I really do enjoy gifting people with things), my preferred method is to give an experience over a tangible item.
Partly because we all have enough stuff and going somewhere cool is just more fun, and partly because that gift also benefits me.
So my initial idea was that we should just take turns taking each other on fun day trips or to an awesome show, or something like that.
But, that feels very limiting. I mean, what if there’s nothing cool to do? Plus, experiences tend to be expensive.
We both make around the same amount and pay a shit ton in rent, and neither of us have the money to blow on spaceships just yet, so my next thought was that maybe we should just buy each other practical things like… socks or something. Things we need.
But that’s no fun.
So then it was like, well maybe we should just set a price limit and buy each other something cute and romantic that requires a lot of thought.
But that’s just too much damn pressure.
So we just drank some beers and stopped talking about it.
What are your thoughts on relationship gift giving? Does it stress you the hell out like it does me? Or am I just, once again, making something a way bigger deal than it really is?
I’m a BIG gift giver… And always spend WAY too much at the holidays! I find myself under all sorts of pressure to top last years gift which is never fun… Saying that though I think the best present I ever gave my boyfriend (and probably his favourite too) was a scrapbook… Probably the cheapest thing I’ve ever bought someone!
I know that sounds really gross and couple-y to gift a scrapbook but I’d gotten him some concert tickets for his birthday and couldn’t decide how to give them to him so I got a scrapbook and pulled out old receipts from dates, movie stubs from films we’d seen, old concert tickets, printed off pictures, emails, text conversations and put them all in the scrap book in the order they took place and then put the newest concert tickets at the very end… It was a bit of a mammoth project in the fact that it was so time consuming but it turned out pretty good and I know he loved it.
That’s a really cute idea. I am so not crafty, and we’ve only been together a few months so I wouldn’t be able to fill a book, but I’m filing that away for a future idea. Thanks!
Oh, I’ve so been there- I hate the pressure! Although, I think after the first gift or two, it’s perfectly fine to not try to out-gift yourself. I’d much rather be with someone who is responsible with his money than someone who feels the need to blow tons of it on me.
Agreed. People spending money on me makes me uncomfortable and feel indebted to them.
Yeah it stresses me out, mostly because I never know what to buy that isn’t like $300.
Same here.
Sometimes I think we’re the same person. My boyfriend’s birthday is the day after Thanksgiving. I know Thanksgiving isn’t a gift-giving holiday, but it’s close to Christmas, and stresses me out. I did something elaborate, and now I don’t know how I’ll ever top it. Shit.
We decided that for Christmas, we are just going to put in $50 each month into this jar. Once we have enough money, we’re going to San Francisco. So I’m going with the experience gift, in a big way I guess.
If for some reason this relationship falls miserably, then at least I have a savings account (for once).
I emailed you, but again I say, brilliant.
The first swap is always the hardest… because you never know if it’s going to be $20 or $500. People go crazy sometimes! And then it’s like, “oh shit, I got him his favorite movie on dvd and he got me a diamond bracelet… oh… the rest of your present is in the mail…shit…”
I say combine funds (a reasonable amount) and go to a nice dinner or do something that is a step above a “normal” date. BAM.
Or an overnighter at a Bed and Breakfast or something! YEAH!
Well we’re going to AC this weekend, so I thought another trip would be too obvious. But maybe! I like the fancy dinner idea!
I think you’re blowing this out of proportion as usual
I was always nervous about exchanging with your brother b/c he outdoes me every time and I’ve learned to be fine with that. Now we just give each other “plane tickets” or “show tickets” or whatever. Some years outdo others, but it doesn’t get “bigger and bigger” each time.
BUT! As a December birthday-er myself, for the LOVE OF GOD, make sure his birthday present is in BIRTHDAY PAPER and his Christmas present is in Christmas paper. Don’t combine the gift and don’t do all Christmas paper. PLEASE! If you can’t afford 2 gifts, buy him something really little and cute to wrap up just so he gets 2 presents. I hate the “here’s your birthday and Christmas present” thing. That’s major bullshit. Even if he say’s “it’s okay” it’s really not.
Oh man so true! December birthdays are rough like that.
1. Yes I am overreacting, but don’t judge missy. Remember I conversation yesterday?
2. I was definitely planning on doing two separate gifts. But I don’t know if they’ll be wrappable or not… depends on what we end up going with here.
Well, just in case they are wrappable- keep it separate.
You have my word.
YES! My birthday is the day after and this is a huge pet peeve of mine
As a december baby, I whole-heartedly agree. Two seperate gifts!
However, I totally stressed over the whole giving-receiving thing at the beginning of my relationship. We both decided we would pool money we’d spend on each other and go somewhere. We’ve done that almost every year since and we’ve been together 6 years at this point. I guess it’s important to note as well that when we don’t go somewhere, he will get me a gift, but I never give him anything.
Also, I just found your blog so I don’t know you yet, but if you’re that kind of girl, you could always surprise him with some new lingerie, which is kinda like a gift to both of you. Good luck!
haha last year my then-guy gave me the worst Christmas present ever (Trivial Pursuit: The Bealtes. It was clearly designed for people who have had restraining orders put on them to stay at least 300 yards away from Paul McCartney at all times- no well-adjusted person knows that much Beatles trivia), but it wasn’t a big deal. No one has ever given me a planet, but a regular-sized gift, like a dvd or book is always nice (granted, I don’t make a ton of money). Or you could make something- that’s what I’m doing this year.
My worst gift ever was a tie-dye blow up chair in the 6th grade. I still can’t figure out what he was thinking.
Ah, I get so unbelievably stressed about gifts. My anniversary is 12/7, then there are the Christmas holidays and then… once I’m finally unbroke stupid Valentines Day comes in Feb. And of course I date the one guy who just loves buying presents so I constantly feel like an a-hole about the quality of my gifts even though he knows I make much less money than him and always appreciates what I give him. Basically I’m a head case but it seems like you get stressed out too and won’t judge. This year we’re going on vacation over Thanksgiving and said “this qualifies as anniversary/holidays” and I’m so relieved
Haha, I definitely won’t judge. I just wish I was a millionaire so I could give everyone exactly what I know they’d love and be able to tell them not to buy me anything because I’m too damn rich.
Brandon has always gotten better gifts for me that I get for him, but in the last few years, we started doing this thing where we get 1 stocking, and you fill it with as many awesome little presents as you can stuff in it. Prices can range from free to anywhere up to $50. We set a cap of $50 last year though since you know… money’s coming from the same pot now, gotta watch the expenses
I love that idea! I miss stockings on Christmas morning.
Money in terms of relationships makes me squemish in general. However, as far as gift giving goes (for significant others as well as friends, family, etc) i have a personal policy: i never give to get. I really enjoy hunting down the absolutely *perfect* gift for someone so when I give it to them, I do so to see the joy on their face, not to receive a gift in return.
That said, I’m a naturally thrifty person so my gifts are generally not things like diamond encrusted money clips or anything ridiculous. Bf’s birthday is the middle of December so I usually get him one big gift for both holidays (last year it was tickets to his favorite football team). And he knows that over the top things make me uncomfortable so he got me a beautiful leather journal with my name on it. It was wonderfully thoughtful and didn’t make me uncomfortable!
Great post :}
You need to put a positive spin on this. If you expect hurt feelings and all the other things you listed, that’s what you’re going to get. Why not make it fun? Set a $10 limit and have the goal be to give each other the most ridiculous/cheesiest Christmas gifts. For his birthday, ask him what he really wants or needs and get that for him. Men usually aren’t picky about gifts.
I’m not really expecting hurt feelings. We’ll talk it out and decide on something together, I’m just trying to get more ideas
Im not going to lie, I’m super excited that I’m going into Christmas single. That is a gift all on its own. I’m such a bad gift giver. Im just not good at it. I got kind of ripped off with ex since started going out in August, and his birthday was at the beginning of September. I have NO idea what I got him. Probably cologne because he liked to drown himself in the stuff and I figured if he was gonna do that I should at least like the smell.
Anyhow, I’ve always found that thoughtful gifts are 100 times better than expensive gifts. It means more, and thats really what its about right? So if I were you I would try and go that route. Just whatever you do, dont give him a book of dirty coupons. Thats cheating.
Haha, I always thoroughly enjoyed my single Christmases
Haha, you are too funny.
And Meeker and I have never bought each other gifts. Not for Christmas, birthdays, anniversary…etc. It’s just too much pressure. I don’t even like GETTING gifts because it makes me feel like I have to reciprocate. Odd, I know. But I’d rather just forget it.
Sorry, that didn’t help with your gift-giving-conundrum at all, did it?
Haha, I like your style!
Pingback: Getting it up for the holidays | Low… and behold!'s Blog
Ah, yes. The gift giving anxiety! I know it well. I think it’s always doomed to fail. And if it doesn’t fail, then likely the amount of consternation that went into selecting the ‘best gift ever’ was not worth it for the gift giver.
I’ve been in a relationship for 9+ years now. I find that just telling eachother what you want and then getting that is the best way to go. Sure, it’s not romantic. But so what? You both get what you want & nobody loses sleep!
Funny, one of my newlywed friends asked me this question not long ago and the truth is, there isn’t any one thing that works but a combination of things.
When my boyfriend (of three weeks) bought me diamond earrings the first Christmas I felt completely surprised and rather inadequate. I remember being shocked by realizing that those earrings meant he was really serious about us.
I don’t even know what I got him that year, or the next but I do know that as the years went by we fell into a very nice and comfortable pattern with gifts. I personally hate getting gifts for my birthday and prefer experiences so he plans a lovely (secret) date night each year for that. We buy eachother a Christmas present together (big one) and then maybe get eachother small things for Christmas morning. For his birthday he tells me what he wants and I go with something in that general direction.
So maybe if you just ask him what he wants he’ll tell you! Or maybe just put some thought into a gift of something you know he likes….don’t make gift giving a competition by any means!
Eeek! I always break myself on gifts for birthdays, but especially Christmas. December is the worse becuase it’s my brother, grandmother and Dad’s birthday in a 10-day period and THEN christmas. I believe that the present doesn’t have to be expensive, but it can be thoughtful and maybe even practical.
I think you are making a bigger deal out of gift giving than you should – it is supposed to be fun
I am all about gift giving … in relationships, friendships, whatever! I love picking out gifts for people. I say set a limit, and maybe get a few smaller things to take the pressure off of having to find the “perfect” gift.