Disclamier: I LOVE you guys, but I promise promise promise this post was not written in order to get compliments on my writing. I really just had this epiphany today, and as with all epiphanies that I have – I wanted to share it.
My junior or senior year of college, I took a screenplay writing class that was an experiment of one of my favorite college professors. Because it was so new, there only ended up being four students enrolled. The class, which met on Tuesday nights, immediately became my favorite.
While we were supposed to be working on a screen play throughout the semester, class mainly consisted of the five of us talking about writing and films, watching films, and eventually going to the bar to drink and talk about writing and films.
It was during this time, after breaking off my engagement and taking a course over the summer called Buddhism and the Beat Generation (fascinating stuff), that I felt the most creatively charged I had in a long time.
The thing about truly creative people is that they often kind of get off on messed up stuff. When I was in that little group, I felt like nothing that had happened in my life was too crazy. In fact, I didn’t feel like it was crazy enough. That complete lack of judgment was something I craved and needed desperately.
Of course, the chosen subject for my screenplay was the whole mother ordeal that I bring up all the time on the blog. I can’t tell you guys how many times I have tried, and failed, to write about that topic.
Every time my screenplay was up for critique, we ended up just talking about my life and the nuances of what I had been through, and not really focusing so much on my writing – which was, in all honesty, very bad.
I had a good idea of what I wanted to write and how I wanted to write it, but it just wasn’t happening.
In all honestly, I was much more interested in the discussion part of the class and wasn’t dedicating much energy at all to writing a solid screenplay.
During finals week, between studying for a bunch of tests for classes I’d barely paid attention in, I cram-wrote the end of that screenplay.
Cram-writing, for the record, is never a good idea.
The end result was horrid. I don’t even think I have it saved anywhere, I was so ashamed of it.
As I emailed it to my professor, who I adored, I felt terrible. I wanted him to know that his class had been the highlight of my week and that his creative energy inspired me, but I’m sure that by reading my play he knew I was a sham.
This is a predicament I have long faced. I am truly fascinated by words and the craft of writing. I am obsessed with stories of all kinds, how they came to exist, and the person behind the plot.
But when I set out on the mission of creating my own story, I always fall flat. I can’t seem to get my love of writing to materialize into actual talent.
I was listening to the news the other day as they discussed the author of Fifty Shades of Gray – E L James – and how she came up with this hugely successful story because “she was bored”.
I have to tell you honestly, that pisses me off. The fact that someone can write something that well-received on a whim is cruel and unusual punishment to someone like me.
I only heard that snippet of the conversation and I’m sure there was more to it than that, but the idea of it really got to me.
I was discussing it with my coworker, who actually reminds me of that college professor who so inspired me, and we both feel that it’s baffling that some people can just sit down and bust out genius writing without even thinking about it.
I know that part of my problem is that when I try to write, I think too much. I get so married to an idea, that I can’t let the process of writing happen organically, and I try to force myself on it in an unnatural way.
But sometimes I have to wonder if that’s all it is. I wonder if maybe all the times I’ve failed as a writer – failed to even write a complete story that I am proud enough of to show people – isn’t proof that I just don’t have the talent to ever do it.
Maybe you’re either blessed with the ability to pound out novels because “you’re bored” or you’re not and you suck at writing.
This is the true reason behind my eternal writer’s block. It not that I don’t have anything to write about – I have a MILLION things I think of on a daily basis that I want to write about – it’s that I’m truly starting to believe that I’m just not a good writer. Hell, I’m probably not even a writer period.
Over the past couple of months as I’ve continued penning this blog, I’ve wanted it to come across as a more writing-centric space with posts I can be proud to share.
And now, I’m wondering if, just like with that wretched screenplay – I’m just a sham.
At the end of my last writing class in college, a poetry class, I spoke with another professor I adored about what I should do next. I asked her if I should pursue writing at the post-graduate level, and she honestly told me that I still had work to do before I could be successful.
I appreciated her honesty, and believed it because at that point I had still very rarely written anything I considered good, so I think I just kind of surrendered my dream at that point without ever fully admitting to myself it had happened.
I know that I’ll never be truly and completely satisfied in life if I don’t have a creative outlet of some sort.
I know that I’m happiest when I’m with people who bring out my creative side, who don’t care if I’m not normal, and who make me think about things in entirely new ways.
Sometimes merely a deep, philosophical conversation is enough to satisfy that need – the constant desire I have to examine things, discuss them, understand them from all angles – but I still want to believe that there’s something in me that is good enough and talented enough to contribute to a bigger picture.
I tell myself over and over again that it’s okay that I ended up in a non-creative career field because I don’t have to be defined by work. I tell myself that I’m still a “writer” at heart, and someday I’ll do something worthwhile.
But will I?
I don’t know, and it quite frankly scares the shit out of me.
Ok, I havent read Fifty Shades of Grey, but I’ve read some reviews, and the original story was just some bit of fun Twilight BDSM fan fiction, which I suspect is what the author meant when she said she wrote it out of boredom. It sounds like it’s as popular as it is because it’s smutty, and everyone can get behind some fantasy-fodder. Even the original source, Twilight, is written with a total blank as the main character so readers could insert themselves into the story as easily as possible. People don’t necessarily respond to books because they’re well-written- I really dig The Hunger Games books, and I know they’re silly and childish, but they tell a good story that keeps me reading…kind of like someone else whose blog I’m commenting on right now. You write in a way that’s funny and relatable, and piques my (and other people’s) interest even though I’ve never actually met you, and I think that’s an indicator of good writing. It sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be Jane Austin, but if you want to be a “good”writer you shouldn’t compare yourself to people who dash off some derivative crap best seller. It’s apples and pears.
Does that sound cranky? I was aiming for encouraging, but the two blur sometimes.
Well I agree that I have good writing skills, which is why I write technically for a living. I can write well, but I don’t have the skill of storytelling to combine with the writing that I wish I possessed.
I do see your point though, and I appreciate your kind words!
I think you’re a good writer, and you’re a definitely a lot better than some people out there who get paid to do this. You’ll figure it out! Also, I’ve always had this goal to write a book someday, and it will probably never happen. But I want it to.
Let’s all us sister wives write a book together. Perhaps while we’re all wined up at the beginning of the next month?
I’m thinking hard on this. Really hard (between this post and your email). For starters, you’re being too hard on yourself. So many readers are so captivated by the words you share on here. When you’re typing a post, do you think of it much? To me, it seems that you free flow in your writing and it’s natural and good.
I think you’re trying to put yourself into a box in which you don’t belong. What I mean by that is that you don’t yet know what genre of writing best suits you. I wonder if the screenplay didn’t go well because you enjoyed films, discussing them, thinking about them, but maybe you just didn’t want to write within the confines of a screenplay.
It seems that you read often. But do you read various genres? I think that might help you in discovering where your writing best fits. And honestly, it doesn’t have to fit into a box. That’s called experimental writing.
The best words I’ve ever written are those that came out when I wasn’t trying. The bulk of my job from graduate school was written on a whim. It was a feeling I was capturing in the moment. Those characters and their experiences are now dead to me – and I’ve moved on into a new & different format.
I don’t write every day. I don’t surround myself with creative people nearly enough. But when I do – I feel better. When I just write for the sake of it, I feel good. I think you should just tap into the idea of writing, keeping up with this blog, writing down things that pop into your head. And worry about the format later.
(You are good enough for graduate school, and that could change everything.)
You’re right. I think I want to be this awesome fiction/drama writer, but maybe I need to play with nonfiction and other dramas a bit more. Sometimes I just feel like I have no idea where to start, and I know I don’t have the discipline to do anything with what I’ve got at this point. I have to either get it together, or give it up for good.
If you want, we can try and get it together, um, together. I’d be happy to talk writing with you anytime. I belong to a writer’s group in the city, but it’s just not doing it for me anymore. I wouldn’t mind an online forum or something. Exchanging writing via email, that sort of thing.
I think that would be really beneficial!
Good god, I am a writer. Jeez.
I think part of being a good writer is being tortured about it
There’s nothing worse than someone who spews vapid nothingness onto a page and thinks it’s God’s gift. I think the fact that you challenge yourself makes you better and pushes you. I say just WRITE. Anything, everything. Keep your ideas flowing, don’t stifle them because you might be afraid they’re aren’t good or what they’re supposed to be. And I wouldn’t be your secret online lover if you didn’t have such a charismatic way with words.
You’re right, if I just wrote more or AT ALL outside this blog, I’d probably get better. I just have no discipline.
I think this post shows that yes in fact you are a writer! I loved reading this because it felt organic, natural, and more like a conversation than some of your recent posts. You will forever have that internal debate of “am I good enough” and you will probably never have a definitive answer. So keep writing about these things – things that make you feel like something and challenge what those negative thoughts are telling you.
Well, my blog is pretty unsuccessful, and though I really don’t care about that and LOVE the readers that I do have, it makes me wonder if I can’t even make a blog successful that I publish multiple times a week – how can I make any of my other writing successful? I think you’re right though, I will never know definitively if I’m good enough, and if i’m constantly worrying about that I’ll do myself no favors.
OK you say you don’t want compliments so I wont provide any (but I’m thinking them). But YES. OMG YES. So there right now. I can’t go too into detail abt my job, but a published children’s (YA) author spoke to us today and listening to her talk I was like “Jesus, how am I not doing this?” My dream in life is to write a book and I have some ideas but, like you, I get so overwhelmed when I think of actually doing it and convince myself I’d never do it right so why bother? This was just so timely. I could write so much more but guess what? I’m in a weird writing place now, too haha. We need to just drink our feelings then start writing and see where it takes us. Pretty sure that’s what the twilight lady did, anyway.
I totally know what you mean. I went to this kick ass play a few months back and it was written by a guy my age and I was just like, what the FUCK am I doing with my LIFE? I guess I could try going to whole sexually charge yet sexually repressed route and see if things catch on?
Ok. So you practically just took all my feelings about writing, and wrote them.
I love writing, I’ve always loved it, and I definitely think my best stuff has come from times when I was a mess. For me, I think that’s because I’m not a naturally creative person, so in order to write anything good I need strong feelings about the subject. But when I try too hard its obvious, and it seems forced.
I’ve always wanted to write a book. I have a story I want to tell, and I really think it’s a good story, and could make a good book if I could write it, but every time I try and start anything, it turns to crap. I hate that, and I dont know why it keeps happening.
Anyway, I know you said you didn’t write this for compliments, but I’m giving you one anyway because I’m a rebel like that. Your writing inspires me all the time. You make me want to write more, and write better, and actually, one of my final papers last semester that got an A was inspired entirely by you.
That really makes me happy. I actually miss writing papers in college – there’s something so freeing about being given full range to take authority on a topic and write about it. I loved that. Maybe I should become an essayist? Also, I’d LOVE to read your paper!
You’d be a great essayist. And I hope you realize, I have no shame, and will absolutely send you that essay.
Please do!
I’m stuggling because I’m happy and I don’t know how to write about happy things. I’m used to writing about sadness, depression, etc…It’s a thing I’m working through. Maybe that’s what’s going on with you? Things are great with your job and Mr. T and you’re not sure how to approach your writing in this new state of mind? I don’t know. Something to think about I guess. I think you’re a wonderful writer, be patient with yourself.
I’ve written about that on the blog several times, and it’s definitely something I struggle with blog-wise. But I really want to be able to go deeper as a writer, off the blog, and just be legit in the one area that I’ve always wanted to be legit in. I still have certain pains that I could write about off the blog, if I could just find the discipline and talent to get it done.
You’re over-thinking your writing (which you already know)! That’s why wine usually helps- relaxes the over-thinking.
I know that in my case sometimes I just need to practice my “art” more (which, in my case is actually acting more so than writing, although I do enjoy writing). It’s like anything- letting the creativity out gets easier with practice! You should take another crack at the screenplay. And this time, don’t cram-write. You might surprise yourself.
I used to really, really want to act. I think it would be so fun to play around with again. I was a drama geek in high school, but left it behind after that.
I don’t know about all this writing better when you’re sad or mad philosophy. I also don’t know if you write creatively different than you write on this blog, but as far as the blog goes I’d say be more concise. I lost count of how many times you said you have things to write about but you don’t know how to express them. Unless you were trying to prove your point by rambling on. I think the best thing any writer can do is write something then keep revising it. The first draft is either crap or certainly can be better. Some of the best papers/things I’ve written are when I lost a whole paper on my computer and had to completely rewrite it from scratch. Just keep writing, it’s the only way you’re going to get better.
You’re right, I do ramble on the blog. A lot. I don’t really do it in my creative writing though. Mainly because I only get about four paragraphs in and I’m over it.
Have you ever thought about taking an art class (like painting, pottery, or drawing)? I ask this because maybe you need an alternative creative route to go. I think if you focus on creativity elsewhere, you’re writing will come more naturally…I think you’re “thinking” too hard about writing and when it is forced, it never works. So maybe add other creative things into your life and the writing will just start spewing out your ass like rainbows and butterflies of happiness like when you think about ME!!!!!!!! But seriously, add more art.
Also, Rose touched on something I thought was interesting- you do really focus a lot on reading dark, twisty things b/c that is your favorite- but you never seem to want to jump outside of that realm of sad/depressing stuff…maybe adding some comedy/romance/action (even nonfiction) might help you branch out more. I thought what she wrote was very helpful. And you know I sure as shit ain’t a writer, but I found that interesting.
Don’t stop writing or shut down the blog or anything in haste…you’re a very good writer- just let the “constant focus” go…then it’ll all happen where you will start writing one day and you won’t be able to stop
I have several nonfiction books on my to-read list that I’m looking forward to – I think you’re right that I need to explore more genres.
Rose is one wise woman, I’ll tell you that. And she has written a lovely novella that is just exquisite! It’s called A Bear’s Place and I definitely recommend it!
I will add it to my list! You’d be so proud of me- between Spring Awakening and all the nonfiction and action adventure stories I’ve read during the last year, I’ve totally branched out from romance and chick-lit. I’m getting there. Baby steps. Like with wine and sushi.
You know what, I think you would make a fabulous writer. How do you like them apples?
For the record – although I can’t put Fifty Shades of Grey, I think it’s poorly written. The entire time I’m reading this, I’m thinking, “omg anyone who has a perverse and sexually twisted mind could write this. It’s just someone with an imagination who wrote it down.”
I totally agree. It kind of saddens me that something written so terribly can make someone so rich, and that I too am still reading it.
I think because I’ve been silent lurker for so long, I’m allowed to throw some compliments your way. I frequent this blog because your writing voice is beautiful and because you address life concepts that are so relatable. I appreciate your realness to explore yourself across this medium. And by learning more about your life or coping methods, I discover more about myself.
I used to say that I thought writers feel more than the average person so they can relay heavy emotions to the rest of the world. But I’m not sure anymore. I’ve tried to avoid that sad pit by writing something small for myself every night. I think it’s done a lot to get myself out of my head – because I can keep myself up for hours thinking – and maybe it’s a good suggestion for you.
As someone who can not write fiction and prefers essays, I admire your conviction. Art or writing, like any skill, sport or activity, improves with practice to meet the inspiration. I am constantly in awe of other writers and it’s been scary to develop my own style, but I’ll wade through crap if it’ll lead me in the right direction. I also agree with the commenter who said that your expression of humility is a good sign.
This comment is really just to share how much I appreciate this post and the comments from other writers. It’s refreshing and so wonderful to read. Thank you for throwing it out here.
This is so wonderfully kind. Comments like this are what keeps me going with writing. I know a lot of people could give a rat’s ass about my long, rambly, emotional posts – but also know that some of you do. And for me, and what I stand for, the few who get something out of it are worth it, times a million. Thank you so much for your amazing words.