Want to know what the worst part of my day is lately?
It’s the moment when I put on the outfit I planned in my head the night before, ecstatic over the cute accessories and styling of it all, and remember I’m not the Victoria’s Secret model I picture myself as in my head.
Now, I know I’m not hideous, but my body is awkwardly shaped and try as I might to look polished, chic and cool – I just end up looking messy, awkward, and weird.
Some days are better than others, but for the most part I tend to be disappointed in the results.
It all goes back to my figure. I have small arms and legs. In fact, those items are rather shapely and attractive (minus some inevitable cellulite) – in my opinion. But my mid-section is just a son of a bitch.
First off, I have a gut. I will always have a gut. Even if I lost an unhealthy amount of weight, I would still have a paunch. I know this, because when I was a gangly, skinny teenager – I still had one. It’s in both sides of my genes, and will only get bigger or smaller. It will never go away.
In addition to said gut, I also have a very large rib cage. That thing is big. (Please use your best Ron Burgundy voice in your head when you read that.) I had a “friend” tell me once that even if I got super skinny, I would still look fat because my ribs are so big. I’ve probably mentioned that before. You don’t forget such things.
To top it all off, I have small breasts. Don’t get me wrong, they’re good ones. They are perky and I could probably never wear a bra and get away with it (this is going to elicit some very interesting search engine terms on the old blog). But, the fact that they are small means that they do not protrude much further out than my gut or my ribs do.
Also, I have no waist.
All of that combined makes for much difficulty in the dressing department.
If I belt something, I look like Santa Clause.
If I wear an umpire waisted anything, I look pregnant (and will probably have someone ask me how far along I am).
If I tuck a nice blouse into pants, you can automatically see how much bigger my gut is than my very small hips (I actually think they may measure smaller than my stomach does).
Regardless of what this does to my self esteem, it does more to make being fashionable nearly impossible. I just don’t look good in most of the trendy things out there and because I’m not at my slimmest weight right now and my gut is bigger than usual – I’ve run out of ways to hide it.
I know there are worse problems to have and I sound extremely shallow in all of this, but dammit, is it so much to ask to be able to fit into clothes?
Yes, I love myself no matter what and I know beauty is only skin deep, but it would be dishonest to act like this is a thing that doesn’t bother me.
In my most extreme moments (say, after trying on ten things at Zara and gasping in horror at each one – I cannot shop there) I’ve considered breast implants to even things out, but I can’t afford them. And then I think of liposuction, but fear it would backfire and I’d end up with all my gut fat lodged on my forearms or something.
I think I need fashion advice, or a stylist, or something. There’s got to be other girls out there who are shaped like me, no?
Perhaps I should start a fashion line for women who look pregnant, but aren’t. It could be my million dollar idea.
(Please understand that this post was just my way of poking fun of something that annoys me and that I’m not seriously all that distraught over this, and am in NO WAY seeking compliments. In fact, your compliments need not apply. I’d really like fashion advice or commiseration or an offer of free services from DC’s most talented gut vaporizer.)