I’ve been feeling weird inside lately.
Well, I always feel weird inside (and outside) – but something has been churning strangely within me and I didn’t know why.
Life has been moving at a very even keel lately. Aside from the baby thing and an awkward situation with a friend that I’m really pretty sad about, nothing has been causing me any real stress right now.
There have been some unspoken things developing that are actually really good, exciting things. Life has seemed, more than ever, full of possibilities.
But, being the ever-worrying pessimist that I am, I also couldn’t let go of the fact that possibilities are not always good.
I consider myself an intuitive person and when bad things are on the horizon, I tend to notice a shift and usually expect the worst.
Today, as I walked outside to get some fruit and fresh air, I felt jittery and worried, but figured it was nothing.
Then I got a call from my dad.
Anytime I receive a call from a parent during the day, I panic. But we talked like things were normal for the first few minutes and I started to relax.
Until he casually mentioned that my grandma might have cancer.
It’s only a possibility, and it doesn’t sound like the doctors are too overly concerned about it – but my dad has been known to downplay health situations in my family so I won’t worry.
I know that cancer is everywhere, and it spares no one. Everyone has been hurt by it in some way.
But until today, it’s never hit me very close to home. And for that, I know I am INCREDIBLY fortunate.
I think it’s because I have such a small family, but I’ve never lost a loved one to cancer. I’ve always known that it was a possibility, but heart problems are really the main concern in our genes.
She is going in today for an outpatient procedure and should know the results in a few days.
My dad explained everything to me rationally and then tried to cheer me up with talk of my visit home in a few weeks.
But all the while I felt so heavy, and so scared. My grandparents are my favorite, most cherished people in the world.
Every time I think about them suffering, it takes my breath away, and I know I am ill equipped to face losing them when the time comes.
I’ve been breathing deeply and remembering that I am lucky that this is only a possibility, when there are so many out there suffering from cancer in so many ways.
But I can’t help but feel sad and helpless. After hanging up with my dad, I called my grandma just to tell her I loved her before she went in for the procedure. I don’t think it was the right thing to do, as it seemed to upset her.
My family is not one of showing emotions, and because of that, it is often very difficult to find comfort in tough situations. I feel so far away from them, in several ways.
All the little things I was worried about and dwelling on in the moments prior to receiving this news are now nothing.
I just want her to be okay.
I know that life is full of possibilities, both good and bad, and I’m trying to remain objective.
I know that this is just a small piece of the tragedy that’s happening around the world today. But to me, right now, it’s kind of everything.
Writing about it was the only thing I could think to do to calm my nerves. I could have written it in a private space, but I feel the need to connect to others right now.