This weekend was not a good one. Possibly the worst ever.

But, I’m okay with it. One thing I love about my family is that even if we can’t always talk about things, we’re inextricably connected. I could feel that something was wrong last week before I even found it out, and now things are just off because the people I love aren’t well.

I think we get this connectedness from my grandparents, and this past week is a sad example of it.

Instead of getting news about grandma this past week, we got even worse news about my grandpa. He hadn’t been feeling well and some testing revealed a heart murmur. They did a stress test Friday to see if he has a blockage, and we should get the news back today. They also found a spot on his lungs as well, which just kind of floors me. Surely they can’t both have cancer. I just can’t believe that the world could be that cruel.

The devastating thing is that he’s had a lot of heart surgeries in the past, and is getting too old to recover from them. He says if he has a blockage, he’s not going to have surgery to correct it.

Of course, for selfish reasons, I want to implore him to do whatever it takes to stay alive. But I know that beyond just being tired, and sick, his heart is breaking over the thought of losing his wife – and of having to see her in pain.

They are one of the only positive examples of lasting love and marriage I have in my life. They are bonded in a way I can’t imagine and I have no doubt that when one is suffering, the other feels it as if it were their own pain.

So, I have to respect whatever they want and just love and be there for them. It’s the only thing any of us can do.

I can’t help but worry that my grandma won’t be able to deal with losing him and having serious health problems of her own, but again – it’s not up to me and all I can do is provide my support.

I’ll never move back home permanently, but I’m seriously considering going back for a month or two to help out and just be there. My family doesn’t really want me to do it, and I know it would probably just put more stress on my grandparents – having people change their plans and put their lives on hold for them – but I feel an overwhelming need to be there in some way.

I don’t have any of the answers yet, so I’m kind of just emotionally shut down right now and waiting for things to happen. I’m ready at a moment’s notice to head straight to the airport and go home, but I’m also trying to simulate living my life here. My heart’s not in it, but I know that if they can keep going – I have to do the same.

Again, I’m really sorry for these sad posts, but they’re helping me cope. I’ll try to post something happier at some point in the near future. I hope everyone had a great weekend!