As positive as possible

Well, things are not getting much better. We found out last night that there’s an 80% chance grandpa has cancer. Grandma still won’t know her results for another week or so. Grandpa’s heart showed no blockages, but he does have an 80% blocked artery in his neck.

They’re being put through the ringer, as are the rest of us (and you for having to read all these whiny posts), but life does have to go on and we’re all just trying to be as positive as possible.

As for me, I’m doing alright. I have a lot of bad moments, but I have to remind myself constantly how fortunate I am that I’m only now having to deal with the pain of loss. So many people face it much earlier in their lives.

My natural inclination when things get tough is to shut down.

Unfortunately or fortunately, I do not know, that hasn’t been an option. It’s been an odd and busy week.

Monday night I had a dinner I wanted to go to about as badly as I wanted to watch Olympic synchronized swimming.

Read: I did not want to go at all.

But I had to, and I survived, and it at least served as a distraction from everything else.

Usually I work from home on Tuesdays, which is awesome because I don’t have to talk to anyone all day. But yesterday I had to go into the office so that I’d be around for a work event after hours.

I do actually quite like the people I work with, but I didn’t feel like being “on” for another night instead of being at home in my underwear eating ice cream, which – if we’re being real – is about all I want to do at all these days.

The event was to celebrate the only other girl there my age, who was just promoted to a director position at 27, so I felt I needed to show up and support her.

It’s quite impressive that she’s already in such a prestigious role, but it has the office all atwitter. Everyone older than her is kind of freaking out about how “unsuccessful” they are and how they’ve pissed their lives away because they don’t have their own offices.

I don’t really get wrapped up in that. The girl who got promoted was actually trying to encourage me to “be more aggressive” because I could follow in her footsteps if I really wanted.

But honestly, I just don’t think I’m that corporate-driven.

I told her as much, and it made for kind of an awkward moment, but I’m just at the point in my life where I don’t feel like putting on airs to impress people. I don’t want to be powerful (at least not in the managerial sense) and I don’t want my job to dictate my life.

I’m all for those who do want that life, and I think it’s admirable, but my goals just aren’t that lofty I guess.

I think last night was the first time I’d said that out loud, and the freedom of it actually felt really good. So I guess there was a plus side to going.

There was also a margarita involved, which was the best thing that happened all day. Literally. Tuesdays? Who needs ‘em.

On the late metro trip home, I did get to witness an interesting encounter between two college students who were trying very hard to decide whether or not the girl should go out for the night.

The boy, who I think was more of a “fun buddy” than her boyfriend, sat down next to me and yelled at her for ten minutes that if she’s so tired she should just go home and go to bed, and he wasn’t going to force her to stay out, and if he was as tired as she looked he’d definitely not go out because she wouldn’t even be fun and he wouldn’t get to get as drunk as he wanted.

He repeated this tirade at least three times in the course of three stops on the train.

It took a lot of willpower not to interject with the following:

To him:

- I remember my first beer.

To her:

- In five years, you will hate yourself for the association you’re having with this idiot. He just wants you to go home since you’re obviously not looking to put out tonight so he can find someone else to take home. Run!

They were both so serious, it gave me a much needed laugh. And made me feel old.

So that’s what’s been happening besides all the serious stuff. I’m also trying to combat the summer cold that’s infesting the office and preparing for a trip to NYC this weekend to celebrate my brother’s birthday.

No underwear ice cream in the foreseeable future, but maybe that’s how it should be.

I’ll just keep going, praying for the best, and taking advantage of all the humor, happiness and margaritas I can find.