No, that does not read “maybe a little bitchy”. But maybe it should. I’ve been in a not so great mood/general state of mind lately. I’m trying my damndest to be positive about my grandparent’s situation, but if you know me at all you know that positivity don’t come easy over here.
I’m holding it together on the outside, and radiating as much positivity as I can, but trying to keep it together and combat the constant worry and anxiety I feel is exhausting.
Back in 2009, when I started this blog and wrote terrible posts I hate to re-read, I was in a pretty shitty place. Things were going on, mostly due to my own stupid mistakes, that really had me down and out.
During that time, I got really into running.
I was never good at it.
I was never fast.
But it was something I did.
I started out with a 5K, and then graduated to a half marathon that ended with me violently puking at the finish line. Then I ran two more half marathons.
Running made me feel better about things. I had something positive to focus on besides how much I hated my life. It gave me confidence and an outlet for stress and anger.
Then, I moved out of Oklahoma and turned my life into one that I liked.
At that point, I didn’t really feel the need to run anymore. I kept wanting to want to run, but I had truly no desire to actually do it.
I thought eventually I’d get the itch again, and maybe train for one of the cool races out here – like the Cherry Blossom Ten Miler or the National Half or something like that.
But I remained completely itch free for the first year and some change that I lived here.
But lately, I have been feeling kind of itchy. I’ve had nostalgic moments recalling the feeling of a great run.
With all that’s been going on, I think it’s natural that I have the desire to return to something that played a big part of getting myself out of my last really bad funk.
So yesterday I ran a mile. A whole mile. On the treadmill.
Work is really ramping up lately, which is great because it keeps my mind busy and distracted, and I took a short break at lunch time to get that run in.
And, it felt pretty good. I have to start slow because I seriously have not run at all since my last half in March 2011.
But I think maybe it’s something I need right now.
My normal low impact workouts don’t really get the endorphins going in the same way that running does and yoga, which is still useful and I still try to go once a week, gives me a little bit too much time to think about all the things that I really don’t want to think about.
Hopefully as I start to build my mileage back up, and the DC humidity chills out a bit – I can just go out and run my emotions into the ground. That sounds amazing right now.
I guess I only want to run if I have something to run from. I know I can’t escape the things that are going on in my life. But considering that my current methods of coping have involved several gallons of ice cream, several bottles of wine and too many re-runs of Grey’s Anatomy, I think this is at least a more positive way to go.