Do you guys remember the episode of Grey’s Anatomy where George’s father dies? I know, most of you probably hate Grey’s Anatomy and are now judging me for how often I reference it – but whatever. I have a point to make.
In said episode, George is outside trying to reconcile the loss of his father when Christina (the girl with no empathy) comes out to talk to him.
She tells him that there’s a “dead dad club” and “you’re not in it until you’re in it”.
George just kind of looks at her in bewilderment because it’s not exactly the most comforting thing to say to someone in that type of circumstance, but then she ends the speech by telling him sincerely that she’s sorry he’s in the club.
I’ve been thinking about that a lot.
At age 26, I have never lost anyone. I have lived for over a quarter of a century in a cozy bubble devoid of any real loss. I’m very lucky to be able to say that, and I know it.
But it’s for that reason that I’m having such a profound experience coming to terms with my grandparent’s illnesses.
In that same episode, George says that he doesn’t know how to exist in a world without his dad in it.
Many would say that it’s harder to lose a parent who is still in the prime of their life than it is to lose a grandparent who has lived 87 wonderful years on this planet. The younger someone is, the more unjust their death seems.
But for me, the idea of losing either of my grandparents is so much more than the passing of time – it’s my introduction to loss, to the finality of death.
I honestly do not know how to exist in a world without my grandparents in it.
They have been one of the only constants I’ve ever known. They have always been together, they have always loved me unconditionally and they have always been the happiest people in my life.
Their recent suffering has caused a huge shift in the way I see the world.
I guess, to put it simply – shit just got a lot more real.
While I have managed to find a certain sense of peace in the matter, I am still having a really hard time navigating this experience. I don’t know the right way to act or the right things to say. I don’t know how to deal with it without seeming selfish or like I’m overreacting.
Today we find out the results of my grandma’s biopsy (there’s still a chance she doesn’t have cancer) and we find out how far long grandpa’s cancer is and what our options are as far as managing his pain (he has chosen not to have any treatment).
I spent the morning chaotically working and checking off long-neglected to-do list items in order to try to get my mind off of it, but I can’t really deny the implications of this day.
One of the biggest “shit just got real” dilemmas I’ve been having is facing the struggles I’ve had with my faith for several years now.
This post is already long enough, so I’ll sum it up as quickly as I can:
I didn’t grow up with religion, but fell into it on my own in my early teen years. I was a very devout Christian during that time, even though some of my family didn’t necessarily approve. Then my parents divorced, I moved to college and turned into a hot mess and kind of “fell from grace” – if you will. Since that time, I’ve struggled with doubts and shame and have never really been able to reclaim the faith that I once had in God and Christianity in general. I believe in God, but I don’t believe I deserve his help.
I know that “grace” is there for everyone, but it’s not that simple for me. I can’t just believe I deserve it.
So, while everyone else is talking about prayers for my grandparents – I’ve found myself unable to wholeheartedly join in on that effort. I try to pray, but I don’t feel like I deserve to ask anything of God.
It does comfort me that other people with stronger faith than I have are praying and I know my Grandma has stronger faith than anyone else I know.
But I still feel this weird void when it comes to that natural place of comfort you turn to in times like these.
Most people turn to religion in times of sorrow, whatever that religion or form of faith may be, but I just can’t fully get there.
I’m hoping that as things progress, I’ll be able to put all the pieces together and figure out what I believe. I hope, more than anything, that my grandparents find an ultimate peace.
My grandpa has said that he knows where grandma is spending eternity and “hopes that God grades on the curve.”
I guess I can only hope for the same.
(I know I said I wouldn’t write depressing posts anymore, but you guys said I could, so I did. Also, I know talk of religion is awkward. I apologize if I offended or just deeply annoyed anyone.)
I’m so incredibly sorry that you are having to go through all of this right now…or ever. Even though you feel like you don’t deserve God’s grace…and probably don’t want to hear an argument on why you DO deserve it…He’s totally got you. You are loved. Hang in there.
It’s always nice to hear that, thank you
I’m so sorry, I know your grandparents mean so much to you, and I know how hard it is to deal with the idea that you could lose anyone so important. It’s hard to know what to do and how to react, but I think the fact that you’re reacting at all is a good thing. When my grandpa got sick, I didn’t react. I refused to think about it, or accept the fact that he could actually die. It was a horrible way to go about it, and now here we are years later, and I’m still not ready to lose him.
Just be there, and love them, and do everything you can to make all the memories possible.
It’s just hard not to be there, there. But I am glad I’m able to face the emotions head on, so that I can hopefully be ready to support them in whatever way is needed when the time comes.
I know it’s been a struggle to deal with this. And you’re doing a very good job of it all, considering the two were struck with illnesses at the same time.
It’s a hard concept to deal with- to know that we will all just cease to exist one day. It’s scary. But, there’s comfort in knowing there is a greater thing we are all a part of. We are all included. We are all loved. No matter how you spin it, we’re in this together. Don’t be scared of what the future holds. Your grandparents are still here and will most likely even help you through this new part of life, too. Like I said- in it together.
That is so true, and actually makes me feel SO much better. Thanks girl
Death is always something that I have a challenging time accepting, and losing my grandmother a few years ago was one of the worst things I’ve ever dealt with, as it was my first “real” experience with losing someone at an age that I could fully understand what was happening and what it meant. I think faith is certainly a great way to deal with loss, but remember it’s like riding a bike. It comes back with practice and if you work at it, it will get easier to trust in God and accept things you can’t control. Love you, boo!
I think I’m kind of starting to figure that out. It’s difficult to really get a grasp on how I feel about it, but I know that I still have hope.
Its definitely a difficult thing to come to grips with, and while I wasn’t as close with my gparents as you are, I was still very close to them, so I have some idea of what you’re going through…
I unfortunately experienced death when 12, my dad’s lifelong best friend, who was a second father to me, died very suddenly of a stroke at age 47. I was JUST old enough to “get it” and it began a cycle of extreme anxiety of losing loved ones. A year after that another grandfather died. He’d been sick for a long time and didn’t live close, so it wasn’t as hard to swallow as losing my Uncle. However, from 14-26, I only went to one significant funeral – my cousin’s week old baby (rips my heart out thinking about it), and we had a lot of close calls in my family (including yours truly) but everyone always got that miracle they needed. I guess I got back into that “Everything is rainbows and unicorns!” school of thought. So when my Poppy died, after a year of being delusional and sick, at age 87, after 4 heart attacks, 2 kinds of cancer, and all kinds of issues and being sick basically my whole life, it still got me. It was the only time I ever cried over loss of a loved one, and its all a work in progress. Like you said, my mom’s parents were my CONSTANTS. They were the grandparents we celebrated every holiday with, who came to every ballet recital and school function, who we had over for Sunday dinner. And like I said, my Pop was ALWAYS sick, so I got into that thinking of he’ll ALWAYS pull through.
Yikes. Made that all about me, huh? I’m the worst. But sometimes it helps to share experiences?
Anyway – I’m so so so so so sorry that this shit is getting real for you, and I’d love to tell you there’s no need to worry but unfortunately I’m not God. And more unfortunately death is part of life. I so hope and pray its not your grandparents time yet, but I do think you’re doing the right thing dealing with the emotions now and getting yourself used to the idea that it may happen. It may not make that day any easier, but it will help in the long run. One thing I learned the hard way is sometimes its more important to pray for strength to deal than it is to pray for anything else, because life sucks sometimes whether we want it to or not; best to be prepared and be able to handle it.
I heart you. You’ll get through this….
No, it really helps to hear things like that because it gives me much needed perspective. I know I’m making a huge deal out of something that everyone goes through, and it’s good to be reminded of that.
I’m not going to lie, death and losing people that I love scares the shit out of me. I realize that’s not a particularly helpful thing to say, but I understand how you are feeling. I also understand the void you are talking about when it comes to religion. I am agnostic but I sometimes wish I was more religious because I think there is a sense of comfort in it that I don’t have. That said, I think that if you believe in God, you are deserving of his graces. You don’t have to be a certain level of religious to be deserving.
It is a helpful thing to say! Sometimes you just want to hear the cold, hard truth. It’s a terrible thing, but I think pretending it’s all roses and rainbows makes it even worse.
It’s not about being deserving. If you blieve in God and accept him, he accepts you. You need to just trust your heart. Especially if it is something that comforts you. I pray for G-ma’s and G-pa’s comfort and peace. I do not pray for things that are out of my control for that is God’s will. But I can pray for all the blessings we have as a family and for forgiveness for everyone.
Many people struggle with religion. I do all the time. But when it comes down to it, I really hope that there’s something better than all this where there is no pain and suffering. That is what keeps most people going. I also keep a scientific mind open as this is the “circle of life”…maybe a Disney mind is a better description? You’re doing just fine and I think writing about it is the best thing you can do as far as stress relief. XOXO, Sissy
Haha, I can get behind the Lion King mind. I do believe that there’s a greater good, but I don’t know exactly what it looks like. But in light of getting such great news after writing this post, I think maybe my faith isn’t as weak as I thought it was.
I just stumbled on to your sight and was drifting through and saw this blog. I am not a “preachy” nor a very religious person. Buttttt…. I was reading a book the other day and came across a story that made me think. I’ll condense it (a lot) and maybe it will make you think too.
“Mr Jones had lived a good life. He hadn’t been rich, but he’d always had enough. When he died he ended up in heaven, where he met Saint Peter at the gates. Saint Peter was giving him the tour and Heaven was all that he thought it would be. Mr. Jones saw a building and he asked Saint Peter if the could go inside and Saint Peter said “No”. Mr Jones said kept asking and reluctantly Saint Peter took him inside and Mr. Jones saw rows and rows of shelves filled to the brim with glittering boxes. Mr. Jones found his and asked to look inside. Saint Peter Peter said “don’t open it, it will only make you cry”. Mr. Jones asked “why?” ” Because”, Saint Peter said “in that box are all the blessings and gifts that God had prepared for you, if you had only asked.”
My grandparents and parents have all passed away. It is heart wrenching for a time. But it is okay to ask God, at any time, for things. They say HE is a forgiving God. Thank you for letting me “spout”.
Not depressing. More like honest and real.