This year has been a heavy one. It’s been one of those years I know I will look back on for years to come to point to some of the most joyous and horrifying moments of my life.
Last year was all about change. Last year was all about me. I turned my life upside down and I put myself even more at the center of my universe than I usually am.
“Look at me!” I was constantly saying. “Look at me changing and doing. This is my year!”
And the universe let me have that year. God allowed me to focus on myself for a short period of time and trick myself into thinking that as time goes on, things only get easier and make more sense than they ever have before.
I had a fleeting moment of hubris, thinking that I had everything figured out, that things had all fallen into place.
But this year was my reminder that things never get easier and never make sense.
The world isn’t here to cater to me.
Life is hard, and it is short. And even when it’s long, even when you live to be 100, it’s still short.
This morning I woke up to news that one of my best friend’s father passed away early this morning. It was not expected. It makes no sense.
The past few weeks I’ve been so caught up in my family’s troubles, once again expecting the universe to make things all about me.
Logically, I knew it wasn’t about me, and I knew that my suffering was not unique – but somehow I still felt singled out and gave myself far more attention than I deserved.
But the wheels were turning behind the scenes, setting me up for a lesson in reality.
I’m learning how much human beings are really capable of enduring. And it’s more than I could have ever imagined, or would have ever wanted to imagine – but it’s also incredible and empowering.
I’m learning that empathy is everything.
I’m learning that our feelings unite us. We can feel as much anguish over the suffering of a loved one as we would if it was our own suffering.
I’m learning to take myself out of the equation more often, and to see the whole picture.
I’m accepting the fact that it will never be easy and it will never make sense, but that the moments when life is hardest and you’re the most confused will give more meaning to the rare moments of clarity than you would have ever realized without the heartache.
What a sweet post. the universe isn’t kicking anyone in the pants. life is HUGE mountain, full of highs and lows. we will get through it together though. you’re right that situations like that make us so grateful. i am so thankful for our friendships even though it’s far a part. i hope she feels our love from D.C. and Dallas. too. Love you both so much!
I’m thankful too, my friend.
Thinking of you. Sending lots of thoughts your way, and to your friend.
Your post makes me wonder: whoever said we were supposed to figure life out? I feel like we’ve all been told, “Things happen for a reason” too often. Sometimes we don’t know why things happen. Sometimes we aren’t even aware enough to figure out “why” they did until much, much, much later.
Take care, dear friend.
Usually we do eventually find meaning and reason in everything, but you’re right it’s usually far, far down the road. In the moment, sometimes it’s just enough to say this makes no sense, but I know it’s bigger than me and I don’t have to understand it right now.
Very well written, Kacy. And my prayers to your friend and her family… and yours, of course.
Those moments of clarity are often really bittersweet, but I think it takes a really strong person so see that even in the darkest and saddest moments of our lives, there’s always something to learn or grow from. It’s not easy to see, but I think it says a lot about your character that you are able to do so.
Life is just hard sometimes. I’m so sorry about your friends dad. I can’t even fathom what that would be like. I’m glad she has you though. Friends are so important at times like this.
I wish I could be there for her more. It’s times like these when I question moving the most.
I’m very sorry to hear about your friend’s father. I’ll keep her in my prayers.
And beautiful post. I’m always amazed at how much human beings can endure, and how some (like you) can walk away with lessons learned and not hatred in their hearts. Thanks for sharing!
This is a very mature, well written post, Kacy. I’m sorry to hear about your friend’s dad. It’s hard to wrap your head around why things happen when they do. You’ve mentioned before that you’ve been thinking about how God plays into all of this…if you’re inclined to do so, I think you might be well served exploring that. If you ever want to chat or need support, I’m an email away!
You are such a sage. Your last paragraph: yes yes yes.
I’m so very sorry for your friend and for what you are going through right now. What a beautifully written post, sweetie. I’m amazed at what we can endure and adapt to but it’s never easy. It does make us stronger and you are one strong woman!
Empathy really is so important – great post girl! I have had a heavy year too, but things are getting better.