I’m not a heartless bitch. I get why people have babies. I realize that having a baby is incredible. You grow it inside you and turn your life upside down for 9 months incubating it and then it pops out and it’s nothing short of a miracle. I also get that, for people who want them, babies are blessings. Babies are the future.
I have friends (well, one friend) that have babies and I love them. I have friends that want babies, and I love them.
I get it. Having babies is cool. For some people.
I’ve read a couple of things written by mothers lately, however, that frankly piss me off. It seems that some people think that having reproduced automatically gives you rank over all the other women who either can’t or choose not to procreate.
They think that we need to be educated about how to treat mothers, because we’re rude bitches who suck at life.
I find that interesting, because there are several things about how mothers treat non-mothers that seem pretty rude and bitchy as well.
Just as there are ways mothers would like (and feel that they deserve) to be treated, there are also ways that those of us who can’t or choose not to reproduce deserve to be treated as well.
Allow me to elaborate…
1. Do not tell women who don’t have kids that your life was empty before you reproduced and that now it’s so much better/fuller/more rewarding than it was before.
First of all, might I remind you that some women do want to have kids and can’t? Can you think of a more fucked up thing to say to someone who may be trying to have a kid and can’t? Way to rub the salt into the wound.
And for those of us who don’t want kids, you’re basically telling us that we’re empty and live empty lives of sadness. Um, thanks. That’s not rude of you at all!
I’ll go ahead and tell you that there hasn’t been a day in my life where I’ve sat around and thought there was something missing. I’ve carefully chosen, as a capable adult, what I do and do not want in my life. I’m happy with those choices. This is the life I choose. Do not shit on it because it isn’t what you want (or because you’re secretly jealous).
2. Do not tell us that “we’d be really good mothers”.
This is honestly just pointless. You know what? I think you’d make a really great lion tamer! Does that mean you should do it? No.
If you want kids, you have them. If you don’t, you don’t just do it because you might be good at it. That’s just bad reasoning.
3. Don’t tell us that we’re selfish for not having kids.
You know what’s selfish? Having kids that you don’t want and screwing them up just because society tells you to have them. It’s selfish to overlook the future well being of a child just because you feel peer pressure. It’s selfish to have them to fix a marriage or to get someone to love you.
There is nothing selfish about not overpopulating our planet with another unwanted child. It’s not selfish to reserve the right to adopt if you do someday change your mind about having kids, thus giving one of those unwanted children that someone was once “unselfish” enough to have a home.
4. Don’t expect us to feel sorry for you when your child is acting like a jerk.
If you have a kid, you absolutely have the right to take it to a restaurant or on a plane. But I also have a right to be annoyed by your child. I don’t care how tired you are or how impossible it is for you to keep your child quiet, I can be annoyed. That is my right.
I am also well within my rights to give you some stink eye if you ruin my dinner or wake me up from my nap because your child is screaming bloody murder.
Oh, and if you leave stinky shit in your child’s diaper for an entire 90 minute flight, I will talk audibly about it and my complete disdain for you as a person. Because that is disgusting.
We all have rights. The same amount of rights. We are not better than you, and you are not better than us.
5. Don’t expect us to think your child is cute.
Sure, everyone is beautiful in their own way. Every child is beautiful in its own way. We all have a purpose and we are all wonderful.
But, just like there are some guys you wouldn’t want to sleep with – there are some children you don’t particularly think are all that fun to look at. (I know, that is a horrible thing to say, but only the nuns and angels in the world haven’t thought it. Usually it’s just a proportion thing, and the kid grows out of it. But still, I’m just sayin’.)
I’m not (that much of) an asshole, and I’m not going to tell you if I don’t think your kid is cute. But could you please not beg me to tell you that it is? And more than that, could you please not beg me to tell you that it is every five minutes?!?!
I don’t need to see every. single. picture that has ever been taken of your kid. There are only so many times I can pretend to be interested and/or act like I think it’s cute. I’ll give an award winning performance the first fifteen or so times, but after that I’m seriously just over it.
Reminder: there are other things going on in the world besides your kid making its first poopie in the potty. Keep it to yourself. Or share it with another parent who will get it.
Also, no kid is cute when it’s screaming on a plane in a diaper that smells like feet. Not even yours. Sorry.
Now, if we could all just keep these things in mind, we could all live together in perfect harmony.
In the meantime, I promise to listen to you when you talk to me about breast pumps and cloth diapers – for a reasonable amount of time – and smile and act interested. Because that’s what polite people do. They respect what other people choose to do or do not do with their uterus.
Kumbaya, and thank you for reading.
I love everything about this. Thank you!
YES!!!!
I have another one to add:
Just because you have a child, does not mean your life is automatically harder than mine. If I’m tired, you don’t need to tell me how late your kid kept you up last night. JUST LET ME BE TIRED, ITS NOT AN EFFING CONTEST!!
And the selfish thing, yah, that pisses me off because I get that comment to, and I WANT kids. Desperately. People (one person in particular) like to tell me that I’m going to be in for such a reality check when I have kids because I’m so selfish. Umm . . . yah, no. I’m selfish now because I get to be. That shit won’t last forever, and I plan to soak up every second of it while I can.
YES! Can’t believe I forgot to include that one. It’s one of the WORST offenses.
Kudos, this is totally true. I especially appreciate number one. That is the worst, and totally insensitive. I also don’t understand why people have kids just to send them to daycare for 50 hours a week…
Yeah I feel like I’m going to start telling people I can’t have kids just so they realize how big of assholes they’re being.
Ha ha, I think I may know of one of those mommy posts you are referring to
My BFF has a young son and I love him. I love seeing him, hearing about him, spending time with them. But… I just don’t see me ever wanting that. My views may change, but I do wish people would be more careful about what they say, as you’ve mentioned. My mom knows I do not want kids, yet sent me a text this weekend of a two kid running stroller saying “if you decide to have kids and have twins, you can get this!” She meant well, but come on.
And the restaurant thing. Ha ha. On Sunday night we were at Red Robin for dinner and I heard barfing noises. I actually thought someone was barfing, but one of the children at the table over was just making those noises. It really disgusted me, but the parents were cool and made him stop.
So. Some people – cool and get it. Some – not so much. Like with everything in life, right…
P.S. First time commenter… think I saw your link on Amy’s blog?
My parents know too and they’ve only just now laid off. Although I think they’re still holding out hope.
This is very well written! I love the list.
So true. Even though I do plan to have kids someday, I feel this very much applies to my “I’m not ready yet and don’t plan to be anytime soon” philosophy.
Yeah, because in case you didn’t know – you have to do it when people expect you to.
I actually think it is “less” selfish to not have kids than it is to have them. I used to want about 5 kids … now I don’t want any. The greatest threat to humanity is overpopulation, and I could go on. Kids are right for some people … not for me.
Yes to all of these!! You’d love the website STFU Parents, and it’s hilariously run by someone that does want kids.
I agree with all of it, BUT, I must say — it’s impossible for me NOT to share every single little picture of Cora. I think she is the best thing ever and I constantly want to share it. I can’t help myself. But, just bc I have a kid now makes me no better or worse than you. We all do our own thing and pave our own way.
you know what irritates me the most? When people tell me I will change my mind.
NO I WON’T.
It’s a choice I have made, just like your choice to have them, and you don’t see me telling you when you say you are pregnant that you will “change your mind”
Gah, now I’m all riled up.
Ugh, yes, I get that all the time. I knew I was forgetting some things.
I just love this post!!! So true. All of it. And makes me think of this… which is probably wrong but still pretty darn funny lol
http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/e91e54fa57bf238e84c9e7a9d7d7d749
Hahaha. Yep. I remember specifically saying something to Tom about that when there were three statuses about potty training on my feed in a row. I was like, “Should we get day drunk and go buy things we don’t need?” Much more fun than monitoring the bowel movements of a small, sticky being.
“You know what’s selfish? Having kids that you don’t want and screwing them up just because society tells you to have them.” AMEN. I had so many people telling me to have a baby for the last two years and I’d just say “Sorry, I’m selfish and I like my me time.” They’d look really baffled by it, but this is exactly what I meant.
And just so you know my kids are totally going to call you Auntie Kay Kay. AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.
Yeah, it’s CRAZY to enjoy yourself and not need to fill your life with things people think you need instead of things you want. I love that even as one who wants kids, you still get it.
I will like it. You’re right. But I probably won’t hold them until that soft spot thing grows in. I’m really afraid I’d drop them.
Did you see my rant on FB the other day about the cowrorker that P.O.’d me? LMAO. YES to ALL THE THINGS in this post!
I think I did but I couldn’t tell if it was something you wrote or a repost. I’ll have to go back and look!
Oct. 5
ok, I still plan on having kids (at least maybe 1? maybe?) but EFF yes to #4 and #5. And I’d also like to add just STOP asking me when “us two are going to start a family.” It’s just plain rude. And also, then correct response when I reply “oh, sometime in the future. Not now.” is NOT “how old are you?”
FFS, people. /endrant
Ugh, yes. I don’t even want them, but then the reference to my aging ovaries? Is that really necessary? NO.
Amen to this!
I get #2 the most. And it frustrates me to no end. People tell me constantly that I *NEED* to have kids because I’d be the best mom ever. I would NOT be the best mom ever if I didn’t even LIKE my kids or enjoyed having kids.
And god forbid I hold a baby. Then I am told what a natural I am, and how perfect I look holding a babe.
Get out my business, bitches!
Haha right? I think part of being a good mom should definitely involve liking children, which I do not.
ouch! those “mommy bloggers”. I hear it’s a fierce blog world in that arena (assuming it was a mommy blogger, of course). I have an Auntie who does not have children, and an older cousin as well. Each for their own reason they choose not to get knocked up. I respect that and would never judge, as it should be.
#1 – YES. I HATE THAT SO MUCH. “I don’t even REMEMBER life before kids. Life STARTED when I had them.”….sooo…the whole 25 + years before were a waste? Every friend you made, every accomplishment you acheived, MEETING/MARRYING your husband? None of it counts?
And as somone who knows conception/pregnancy will more than likely be an issue, it does feel like salt in the wound. I’m obviously not crossing that bridge anytime soon, but whevenver people talk about how its just ohmigod the BEST THING EVER, I can’t help but feel dejected, frustrated, and worried that I’m missing out on something Im not even ready for or actively trying at.
My opinion? Mommies who spout this BS are trying to convince themselves more than anyone else that its sooooo awesome. Thank God my bff got over that, and now blatantly says “I didn’t like my child for the first year. I loved him, but I sure as hell didn’t like him and am not ready for another one any time soon.” (She also used to say things about missing having just her husband, and throwing the baby out a window. But he had colic. And I’ve had other moms tell me the sleep deprivation has had similar effects. I assure everyone reading her child was never in harms way.)
JUST ONCE I want one of these mommy bloggers to admit, “Yes, I love my child, but this is not what I thought it would be.”
Agreed. I had that typed out but didn’t end up posting it, because then they could just say that I have this anger because I’m jealous I don’t have kids – and then it would just keep going. But really, I think many, many mothers regret having children, or at least having them when they did and they use all the judgmental shit they throw at childless people to make themselves feel better. This is not a blanket statement, but I totally think it’s the truth in some cases.
Kacy, this was so funny and spot-on. It’s so nice to hear this because I feel like childless women always have to shut their yappers and smile politely when it comes to this topic, for fear of offending. But yeah, it’s my right to get annoyed at ill-behaved little terrors!
People definitely get offended, but seem not to understand that we get offended by the things they deem okay to ask or say about us. It’s ridiculous. I’m probably over-sensitive to it though, since I’ve had a lot of personal drama lately over my decision not to procreate.
haha, this is probably really good for me.
I’m one of those ‘always knew I wanted to be a mom’ type gals. I’m obsessed with my kids and think they’re the cutest things eeeevvvar.
I will say, before we had kids I used to want to punch people who were like ‘when are you guys gonna get your family started?’ or some bs like that. How is that your business!? What if we can’t have kids? What if we don’t want to? What if we have plan but don’t want to share it? Even when my mom asked…I would get pissed haha.
Kids are amazing but they are definitely a calling. If you’re not into having kids, I think that’s totally cool. I know I’ve told you this before but I hope you can be an auntie or something though because even if you don’t want to have your own, kids are something that open your eyes to a whole new way of thinking so being around them occasionally is really good for anyone (even if to just solidify your choice haha).
My mom was like that. All she ever wanted was to be a mom, and I definitely think those people should totally have kids. But everyone’s calling is different. I appreciate that you acknowledge that
A-fucking-men! Thank you for this. And I want to jump on the bandwagon for the above addition: Don’t imply that your life is way busier than mine because you chose to reproduce. Many people don’t have kids BECAUSE they are busy and/or want to devote lots of time to other things!