So, I joined the gym. I still can’t afford it. I still did it anyway. I will never be good at money.

In an effort to make myself go to said gym enough times to warrant what I pay for it, I decided that I would start going in the mornings if I had after work plans.

I’ve done this twice so far, somehow forgetting the fact that working out in the morning is the worst idea anyone ever thought up.

Healthy people are always saying “working out in the morning gives me so much energy and makes me feel so great starting the day off right!”

But that’s not how it goes for me.

First of all, the dread of having to work out in the morning makes me sleep even worse than usual. I’m always really paranoid when I have an early wake-up call thinking I’m going to oversleep. As a result, I lay awake all night until about an hour before my alarm goes off.

Then, when I wake up, I’m too discombobulated to eat or drink anything, so I go into the workout on a completely empty stomach and my body is like “hey, what the fuck is this?” and I’m like “I don’t know, where’d you come from anyway?” and we’re both like “where are we?”

It’s confusing, to say the least. Especially if burpees are involved. No one should burpee before 8 a.m.

Then I suffer through the workout, never feeling that natural energy that people speak of. Instead I feel anger, and then sadness, and then a numb empty feeling.

Then I go home and drink coffee (finally! but still not hungry for food) and sweat. Then I take a shower and keep sweating. Then I put my makeup on and immediately sweat it off. Then I put my clothes on and sweat through them.

The sweat will not stop!

Then I go to work, and I realize that I’m starving and I might perish before I get off the metro.

So then I eat something really unhealthy because I feel sorry for myself for having had such a traumatic morning.

And then I feel really sleepy because I ate more food than I usually do in a day when I don’t workout so I have to drink five more cups of coffee.

Then I get all jittery and spazzy and can’t really focus on my life.

And then I realize that, really, there was no point in going to the gym this morning.